We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
