Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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