I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
