you guys were way drunker than both of me
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
