Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
