What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
last night I used snow as a chaser
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
