I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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