I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
