oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
