meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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