paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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