Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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