I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
