Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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