4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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