apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
