He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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