Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
