Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
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