I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
