If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
