What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
