Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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