You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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