If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
