shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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