If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
me + whiskey = a bad person
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
