Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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