he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
