I accidentally burped into my bong.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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