Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
