Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
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It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize