Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
