We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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