My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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