Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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