Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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