I wish my penis had an off switch
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
we're so committed to being not committed
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
