By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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