Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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