I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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