by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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