Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
