i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
