Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
