I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
