so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
