end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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