So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
