He uses pillows to masturbate.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
