3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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