Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
