I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
