If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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