I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
he shaved USA in his pubs
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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