Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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