2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
