Can i not drive my cunt home
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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