i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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