Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize