Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
